The word "divorce" scares many men and women because hearing it means that your world has changed and will continue to change.

Going through a divorce means "the end of the road." For some, it is much like surviving a trauma or feeling that someone close to you has died. The permanence sets in and you wonder, What about the kids? Child support? Medical Insurance? Your home? Bank accounts? Retirement plans?

Miller and Miller, P.A. has worked through both amicable divorces and very difficult ones. If you are heading toward the ending of your marriage, here is a sampling of questions to ask yourself to assist with the transition from being married to divorced.

How Do I Know It's Time For A Divorce?

When you or your spouse consider ending the marriage, you should consult an attorney who practices family law. Many married people think about divorce or separation from time to time. When such thoughts linger after the incident of anger or frustration has passed, this is a signal to do something because your marriage has broken down or is breaking down. Do "I want out" thoughts persist and dominate over the desire to work something out? Have you already started considering the practical aspects of a separation or divorce (such as a change of residence, living expenses for two households, impact on children)? If so, then the process of divorcing has already begun, even if no legal action has been taken. Once begun, however, the process need not end in divorce. If you can recognize and work out your problems with some assistance, such as through counseling, you have a good chance at reconciliation if you wish it.

Should We Stay Married for the Sake of the Kids?

If the children are the only thing that holds you together, probably you should not stay married.

Coldness and hostility displayed by spouses in such a situation are often bad for children. Usually, however, people aren't staying together just for the sake of the children; there are other subtle forces at work, other aspects of the relationship that keep a couple together even though their marriage is dead. It may be economically or socially convenient for a couple to remain together, to share a household, while creating separate lives within the home without interfering with each other. Parties who live in such a state of truce for years often divorce after the youngest child has left home. If there are no such alternate rewards for you in staying with your spouse, or if your spouse is violent, addicted, or otherwise creating serious problems for you, then deal with your marital problems realistically.

Don't just ignore the deterioration of your primary relationship - solve it in counseling, adjust to it with help, or separate and divorce. "Noble" self-sacrifice is intolerable for your children and will not advance your happiness either.

Should I Try a Separation First?

Sometimes a physical separation for a period of time can save a marriage. Living together is a great source of friction when you are discussing a divorce. If you live separately for a time, you can gain new perspective on the marriage, and a separation can help you discover the sources of your problems. A separation can provide a testing period that can change you and your spouse's view of each other. If you do have a trial separation, go to a lawyer to protect your rights. Remember, the longer you are gone, if you leave the house voluntarily, the more difficult reentry will likely be. Thus caution dictates seeing a lawyer before leaving.

What If I Don't Want a Divorce? Should I Fight it?

If you think the marriage can be saved, you can try to resist the divorce, but once you become convinced that the marriage cannot be saved, your resistance must be geared only to what is needed to obtain a fair settlement of the economic and other issues. Not wanting a divorce can be a key leverage point, as the spouse eager for the divorce will often buy his or her way out by offering you inducements to change your mind.

Don't overplay leverage with unreasonable demands, however, and don't fight the divorce out of desire for revenge. If you do, the result is economic and emotional devastation for you and the entire family, not just your spouse. Fight effectively, and only if there is a positive result to be achieved for you.

If I Do Want a Divorce But My Spouse Doesn't, Can't I Just Leave?

If there is a genuine physical danger to you, your children, or your spouse, leave immediately, regardless of the legal consequences. You are of course more concerned with your and your children's health and safety than with money, property, and other issues, although these are important too.

You can "just" leave. You should, however, talk to a lawyer before you take this crucial step. You may give up a number of important rights if you do. In a potentially litigated (i.e. not settled) divorce, a number of strategic aspects militate against simply leaving the marital home. For example, if a spouse plans to seek custody of the children and leaves the home without the children, she or he may be at a disadvantage later when the custody proceedings begin. If you leave, this can also impact the timing of a divorce. If your spouse wants you "out" but is reluctant to agree to the divorce, it is often a strategic error to just move out.

Your spouse or her/his attorney can obtain repeated adjournments of court dates and other deadlines and try other tactics in order to delay resolution of your case. The more frustrated you become with this delay, the more of a leverage factor for your spouse. You will thus probably be willing to pay more or take less in order to just move the case along and get it over with. The more you "want" from your spouse, the greater the leverage for your spouse to use to gain concessions

In addition to the above, please also review "Tips For What Not To Do During Your Divorce".

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The information expressed above should not be construed as legal advice but merely information on the law that may be of interest to you.  Remember, individual legal problems require individual solutions. Please contact Miller, Miller & Tucker, P.A. if we can help.